Flatline
by Mononoke-hime x sukai kurora
Summary: What if Koul had died? "You need a life, Andy. A life outside this hospital. Someone to love. Someone to hold you when you cry." Who will be that person for Andy?


_Flatline _

Dr. Andy Yablonski was staring at the motionless form sleeping on the bed. The dark blue sheets covered the patient's face and his skinny form. Andy could only hear a shallow breath coming from the patient, signifying that he was alive. Andy sighed, crossing his arms across his chest, trying to control the despair that was creeping along his heart. The hard countertop against his back caused him minor pain, although it was nothing like the pain in his heart. There was nothing more to do for Koul; he had told himself that many times. His heart felt as if it was being scraped by a scalpel though, and Andy didn't notice Pam's presence until she spoke.

"I'll call if anything changes," she whispered softly. "You should go home and get some sleep." Andy turned his head and looked at his friend. Her eyes were dark with concern, and spoke to him as if he were a child.

"I can't," Andy said hoarsely. His voice was hollow and raw with emotion. His eyes glued to Koul once again. In more than one way, he meant what he said. _"I'm at peace. Be at peace with me." I can't be at peace, Koul. _Andy breathed deeply as he remembered the conversation he and Koul had hours before. _I can't. _

He was so enveloped in his memory that he jolted when one of the monitors blared in the hospital. The sound stunned him for a moment, but then Andy regained his composure. "Is it Koul?" he asked desperately. Without waiting for an answer, Andy looked at Koul's monitor. The eerie shriek of the flatline nearly caused him to stand motionless, but Andy forced himself forward and was in the CPR positron when he realized no one was beside him. Pam was still beside the countertop, her expression full with sorrow.

"Pam, what the hell are you doing?" His voice was cracking, and he tried to make his voice stronger to no avail. "Pam –" Suddenly Pam's gentle hands removed his own from Koul's motionless chest. Andy's hands went limp, going to the sides. "What's going on?" he whispered. _Why isn't anyone coming?_

"Koul applied for a DNR before he wanted to talk with you."

"A what?" Andy's brain was blank. He couldn't understand what Pam was trying to say to him.

"Do not resurrect," Pam said patiently, carefully moving to her friend from the body of his patient. Somehow she couldn't look at him. "I got him the papers and he signed it." Her shoulders seemed to slump when she said that.

"Why didn't he come to me?" Andy's voice was hoarse again, and his mouth was dry. _You know why, _a voice whispered in his ear.

"Koul said that you would have refused to give him the papers because you wouldn't accept his death when you talked with him," Pam said quietly. Pity grew in her eyes once Andy understood what she had said. She reached for his arm, but he abruptly pulled away. "Andy –" Andy's face was whiter than his coat, and he could feel the pain rushing toward him. _Koul is dead. _The thought echoed in his head until something clicked in his head and he started to walk, the run, away from the one living person in the room.

Andy's heartbeat echoed in his ears as his cloak continued to flow behind him. His body seemed to be numb as his mind was. He could see the various physicians and nurses gaze curiously at his behavior, but it was as if he was not actually _seeing _them. Koul's smiling face was the only thing he could see, and his vision blurred by his sudden tears. He felt them travel down his cheeks and onto his shirt. _Why?_ Andy wanted to scream. Koul echoed in his mind, barring anything else. _Why did you give up, Koul?_ Ragged breaths escaped from him, and it wasn't until he held out his hand did he realize that he was near the sink where he seen Lisa scrub Dylan's shoes. He closed the door behind him.

_"Are you saying I'm not professional?" _Her voice, so sharp that day, roamed in his mind. She had been angry by his concern over her attachment to the eight year old. Now Andy was roughly in the same position. His hands had fallen limply to his sides when he entered. He vividly remembered the tremor in Lisa's voice as she spoke, and how her eyes never left the bloodied shoes. Andy almost laughed despite himself, noting that he couldn't even speak because of his distress. He stared at his reflection, almost was startled at what he saw.

The dark blue eyes and the sclera were bloodshot, and the eyelids posterior to them were swollen. Andy still had pallor, and his large hands, once so confident, had begun to shake. Sharp and gasping breaths came from his mouth, and hyperventilation was in his mind as the breathing became louder. Andy tried to calm himself down by running the water from the sink and splashing it in his eyes, but it had the opposite effect. A brief glimpse of himself surfaced a memory. The same face staring at him reminded him of the eerily similar one that had occurred many years ago. It was exactly the same face, only older now. At fourteen years old, Andy had almost been broken with despair. Andy hadn't thought that he would face that same despair again. He set his head down into the sink and softly sobbed. He was surprised that no one had heard him. Although the cries were soft, moans also escaped from the physician. Koul's words, the last words he had spoken to his physician, echoed in his mind. _"Death is close, Andy. I can feel it, hovering like a bird."_

Andy felt himself unable to cry anymore after a couple of minutes. He shakily stood, and stared at himself in the mirror again. His eyes were even more bloodshot, and his hair was slightly wet from the still-drying water from the sink. A soft knock on the interrupted his morose observation. "Andy?"

He recognized that voice and that knock. "No, Lisa." His voice was now hardly above a whisper, and his hands shook again as he grasped the sink tightly. Thankfully, he heard Lisa's quiet footsteps walking away from where he stood. The sound of her voice and how her hands moved reminded him of the night they had been together. It had been like a dream that time. It was now, ensnared in grief, did he realize that he should have never slept with Lisa. It had been morally wrong, but worse, it had betrayed Rena and his own principles. Lisa had comforted him in the wrong way when Scott died, and the vivid memory of the pain on his wife's face caused him great pain. He couldn't let that happen again.

The roof had never before been so comforting. Andy saw the familiar sights he had seen for the past six years, and the sights eased the grief in his heart. For a moment, he forgot that Koul was dead and a silent peace enveloped him briefly. Suddenly when he touched to feel the steadying rhythm of his heart, Andy felt the letter that had been given to him that day. _"You've done all you can, more than I ever dreamed possible. You are a great friend, Andy, and what a great adventure we've had, you and I__." _Andy felt the memory overwhelm him for a moment. He bit his lip hard enough to silence the scream that was emerging from him. _Why? _Andy's eyes squeezed shout, and he had been wrong when he had thought he didn't have any more tears. He thought of the message buried deep inside his pocket, and grabbed the letter, almost tearing it. The childish handwriting that had belonged to Koul mirrored in Andy's eyes.

_Dear Andy,_

_ I lied to you. I have no family left in Sudan. I just told you that so you would listen to me. I've known you for a very long time. If you don't want to accept something, you never will. I know this about you. With you reading this, I must be dead. I'm almost smiling at the thought of seeing my friends and family again. One more word of advice Andy. Don't fear death. It comes to all of us, no matter who we are. No matter what age we are. I am not angry that I had such short time here. I am happy, because I got to meet you, my first beloved friend. Most people would run away from my antics, but you didn't. I thank you for that. I know for certain that you treasured me as much as I treasured you, and I hope that you will one day find peace in your life. The Guitar Hero you liked now belongs to you. I hope you will enjoy it._

_ Koul_

For some reason, when Andy finished reading the letter, he thought of the other friend he had. _Scott… _Andy thought of the young man who had been the first to trust him. It had taken many weeks for Scott to open up to Andy, and it was a friendship that Andy would not and could not forget. In some ways Scott had reminded Andy of himself, although the boy had not been an abused child. He had sought the refuge of drugs the same way Andy had found solace in criminal activity. Andy had been near tears when Scott had died, numb to all else that was around him. Andy had formed an immediate bond with Koul. He didn't know why until Koul explained his story to find a new heart. _He…was like me, a survivor. They trusted me and believed in me, but I couldn't save them. _Tears fell from his eyes in earnest, and Andy felt his entire body shake as he remembered the young men who had entrusted their lives to him. _I couldn't save them._

Suddenly warm arms enveloped him, and Andy allowed himself to slightly calm, sobbing into the person's shoulder. Strangely enough, the person holding him held tight and stroked his hair lovingly as a mother would. A sad tune hummed in his ear until Andy felt his body stop shaking. Stiffly he stood, and his eyes locked with the eyes of his wife.

"Lisa called me to tell me what happened." Her voice had lost its former hardness, and her face softened from the shock of her husband. "I'm sorry, Andy." Rena said his name as she used to. Sweetly, tingling with remembrance of memories. "I know how much he meant to you." She stroked his hair again, causing tears to appear in his eyes. "Lisa told me what happened…that night. I understand now why you slept with her. Grief is a powerful emotion." Her hands landed on his cheek, and Andy felt her wiping the tears away. "I'm sorry too, but I'm glad at least that I could comfort you this time." Rena's smell of lilies always enveloping him with her scent. This time as Andy stood there with her in her arms, he thought of what Dr. Jordon had told him before Koul had died. _"You need a life, Andy, a life outside this hospital. Someone to love. Someone to hold you when you cry."_

As their tears flowed from their eyes, Andy thought again of the advice in his mind. _Can I be that with Rena again, Sophia?_


End file.
